BVI News

Theodore James

Have you ever seen the strength of a woman when her back is against the wall?

When all the promises that were made were broken? When every tear that falls from her eyes is filled with pain and disappointment?

Yet through her pain came ingenuity and a resolve that no matter her outcome she decided to survive.

I am not talking about the strength of every woman; I am talking about the strength of a single mother.

There are no excuses in the books of men that give reasons why men should not support and care for the child or children they have fathered. There are no excuses for why children should grow up without a father in their lives regardless of the differences between parents.

Society, to this day, advocates that a family should consist of a father and a mother. Many sociologists, psychologists, pastors and other traditionalists support the theory that a better balance is struck when a father is in the home. I have known in a few situations where that theory could be challenged.

There is no doubt that being a single parent has its share of challenges. I grew up in a home where both parents were present. However, I never really acknowledged and realized the absence of a father in my friend’s home. I guess on a whole mothers just rocked; they did almost everything anyway.

Reflection of the past
While growing up, there was a young lady I knew who had a son from a previous relationship and who was then dating an acquaintance of mine. She seemed happy with where her new relationship was going and I was happy to hear that from her. I assumed that the young man would have told me the same, however when I asked the young man where he saw his future with her, he said that it was only about the sex for him.

He had no interest in being a husband to the woman, neither a stepfather to her child. He mentioned that he could never be the father of a child he did not father. I was confused, maybe because I was a teenager at that time but his words seemed heartless to me then and still do to this day.

It shocked me at the time that he wanted the sex and nothing else. With that revelation I asked other men in the community what they would do in that position and to my surprise many felt the same way. They were not interested in taking care of any child that was not theirs, taking virginities was not a problem to them neither, but when it came to choosing a wife, their preference was that they wanted the purest of woman.

In those days I was flabbergasted on how men would call a woman all the dirty names in the book just because she did not respond to their advances. If she was known for being promiscuous she was labeled a whore and called down from the time she was noticed until she left the area.

My perspective towards my own gender changed after those revelations and I concluded that many men were calculating predators, sufferers of low self-esteem and the greatest whores that God ever made. But how does a single mother cope with these men and be able to get over the hurt and pain?

Forgiveness
There is a saying that what goes around always comes around and what goes up must come down. We are also familiar with the saying that what a man sow that shall he reap. I recall hearing in Tyler Perry’s latest movie �Madea’s Big Happy Family’ that forgiving others is not really for the one that did the hurt but forgiveness is for the one who was the recipient of such hurt.

When you forgive you render that person powerless over your life and it frees your soul and mind to move on with life. Both men and women cannot experience meaningful love in a new relationship when pain and anguish resides in the heart. It causes the one in pursuit of the other to work overtime and in some cases the relationship ends before it begins.

Food for thought
In dispelling the notion that a single parent has it rougher than a two-parent household, Sociology: A Brief Introduction, Sixth Edition states, “The lives of single parents and their children are not inevitably more difficult than life in a traditional nuclear family. It is as inaccurate to assume that a single-parent family is necessarily deprived as it is to assume that a two parent family is always secure and happy.”

Give love another chance
Women on a whole have had it rough throughout the times but I give much respect to single mothers who are braving the storms of life. However there are those who resent all men and have placed all men in the same box.

Not all men are dogs, not all men are calculating predators and not all men have self-esteem issues. There are many who will do right by a woman who has a child or children without any strings attached. However, at all costs, single mothers must protect their child or children first. Your children are your responsibility and throughout time if a man means well, he will do right by you and your child or children once you allow him.

Just remember that no one is perfect and for that unity to work, the lines of communication must remain open and each party must take control of their emotions. Uncontrolled and unchecked emotions can make a mess of what can be a great union.

Reinvent You
Single mothers can reinvent themselves. Below are ways in which they can do so.

Forgive (Do not hold malice in your heart)

Learn how to love and enjoy yourself

Learn to trust yourself again

Learn how to be single

Build positive friendships with strong women

Form a single parent movement

Finish your secondary education

Learn a trade

Finish your tertiary education

Learn financial planning

Seek advice when needed

Learn to communicate well

Take time for yourself

Eat healthy foods and exercise regularly

Seek God’s Holy Spirit

Food for thought
In understanding what it is in being single, Myles Munroe, in his book Single, Married, Separated, and Life after Divorce states, “Until you are a separate, single, unique, and whole person you actually are not ready to marry.” He further shared that “If you do not know who you are yet, what are you going to give to someone else?” He also stated that no one can give another person enough time or attention to make up for the emptiness where they are supposed to be full.

Dr. Munroe defines a whole person as one who knows who he is, why he is at a certain place, where he is going, and how he is going to get there. People who have vision, goals, purpose, and plans for their lives are people who are attractive. (And on that I must agree, because there is a difference in being single and being alone).

So singleness is a state to be pursued, not avoided. To be single should be the goal of every person.

Conclusion
There is one lesson I learned from that single mother that I alluded to earlier. After deeper conversations with her, she explained that she also went into that relationship with baggage that inevitably allowed her to sell herself short.

She had to first forgive herself, re-establish a sense of direction for her life and tell others of her journey who were facing similar battles. In sharing her fallible nature she found her strength. And I must say that today she is happily married.

Single mothers who are looking for the â€�knight in shining armor’, wait… Scratch that – it does not have any knights any more…no where in the world. But the man that God has for you is out there somewhere.

I believe the church people say just trust in God, keep the faith and one day your payers will be answered. And if he does not show up, then simply throw yourself a party and enjoy living single.

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