I can’t stop sleeping with my married ex
Dear Dr. Cindy - Wednesday, December 19th, 2012 at 12:44 PM
Dear Dr. Cindy: OK how should I start? I am a 34-year-old woman who started having sex two years ago with someone I met online.
We were seeing each other for two years then I went to study. On my return on vacation, my ex, who was my boyfriend, told me that he got someone to plug (get pregnant) for him. It broke my heart. I told him go be with her because my father was never a father figure in my life. He married her.
Now that am home for good we have been seeing each other a lot, even sleeping around. I am feeling bad because I am a woman. And I put myself in his wife’s shoes, I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop. I need help bad.
I know I am the bad one there. I have tried to tell his wife about it but I do not want them to break up at all because I do not see my future with him. What should I do?
Unfaithful
Dear Unfaithful:
Thank you for the letter and your candor.
From what you have presented, it appears as if your initial decision to let your then boyfriend go to be with the mother of his child was the catalyst for the now situation of him being married to her. Your actions then can be viewed as selfless, as you did not want the unborn child to grow up without a father as you did, knowing the effects of this.
The situation here would appear simple, that is, stay or leave, however, either choice seems to leave you with feelings of confusion and doubt. Seeing that you may want to make a decision either way, I suggest asking yourself a few questions.
First, do you continue to be with him because of familiarity, or because of what I call the “what if/what could have been syndrome”, or do you really want to be with him?
Second, do you feel bad because of how the cheating makes you feel and is affecting you, or do you feel bad for his wife and child?
Third, what kind of a relationship, or what do you want from him? This is a crucial question, as the follow-up would be –can you have it with someone else?
Fourth and last, you stated that you do not want them to break up because you do not see a future with him. Then, the million dollar question would be, do you not see a future because of the marriage or because of him?
The answer to these questions lies in much self-reflection and thought. My suggestion is to really look at your feelings and thoughts objectively, because therein lies the truth to your behaviours, that is, “I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop.”
It is possible that once you have realized the truth and accepted it, you may then be able to make a final decision that you can live with.
The help you stated you need may be in the form of professional counseling to help you sort out those feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. It seems to me that you just want peace, I hope you find it.
Best wishes,
Dr. Cindy
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15 Comments
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@unfaithful.
You are a dirty old slapper. You need to stop your whoring ways. You know that slutting around as you are is wrong. Put the other woman shoe on. How would you feel if you was the one getting bun instead of giving. Simple. Stop whoring!
He is using you because he knows you still love him. And you too are doing the same!
Stop the cheating. Follow your mind and conscience–not your heart!
Unless you wanna get “plugged.”
Most women equate sex with love. If she were to cease the sexual affair with her married ex, then her romantic, sexual and emotional attachment to him should go away.
Avoid him. Date other men.
You are a sorry looser.Why don’t you women want more for your selves? Why do you feel like you always have to settle? I think you can benefit from some psychotherapy.
Hey doc i dont know whats wrong with me but every time i eat it turns to crap…plz help me.
whose report u will beleave the book of jeremiah 53 v 1 and i do respect the dr. she herself need jesus if she doesn’t as yet, but she can’t help u, let me tell u who can jesus christ he is the answer for ever n anything take it to him he will fix it for u its that simple in jesus name amen
Heffa keep your legs closed.
nasty salop
Seriously? Please explain. You have a woman who gets knocked up before marriage with someone who had a girlfriend. You have a man marrying a girl and already cheating on her. You have a woman who had a man and willingly gave him up when she obviously wasn’t ready to. None of the three is any more or less guilty than the other.
Sound but boring advice for online entertainment.
Dr. Cindy ani’t ready. we want bella back. she does beat around the bush and don’t come out with the point blank. Girl u leave the man now you sleeping with the woman cheating husband. Go back to school and learn not to sleep around with ppl husband and c if you find a man for urself.
What should you do?? Tattoo “Jump Off” or “Side Thing” on your forehead….LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
My comment isn’t as much about the writer’s cheating with her as it is with people getting married and having babies for the wrong reasons. Seriously, what is the rush to procreate? There are masses of unwed baby mommas all over the BVI. There are equal amounts of unhappily married and cheating baby mommas and daddy’s here also.
Having a child is a responsible decision made between two loving adults to raise and nurture a child for the rest of their lives. Instead people are making decisions to “plug” (that’s a new one for me and a term that reeks of disrespect towards pregnancy)someone or get plugged when they are not emotionally ready. This ex boyfriend, 2 years and he’s so unhappy and cannot respect his new wife and child that he cheats? Honestly, no one would be in this predicament if they had responsible sex to avoid pregnancy before marriage – or at least a commitment between two people in love.
There are one too many men trying to spread seed all over the place not understanding what it truly means to be a father. One too many women thinking having a baby will make him love you and solve all your problems. Well, the situation the writer and he ex find themselves in is the more-than-common result of poor decisions on parenthood. And it’s not just 3 adults suffering because of the infidelity, but there is a little child who deserves to grow up with 2 parents in his/her life each and everyday. Mom & Dad CHOSE to have a child. They owe everything to that child. If you are out cheating then you certainly aren’t home spending time with your spouse and child. If your child is having dinner without you at the table, doing homework without you there to help, participating in a sport without you there to watch, and going to bed without you there to tuck them in, then you are failing as a parent!!! Time to stop focusing on the new girlfriend and spend that time with your child…and wife!
Very eloquent but how many people living in the VI are responsible enough? There is a serious social disconnect that needs attending to seriously.
This sort of behaviour is called “serial monogamy” by sociologists. In the West Indies we know it as “F…king Around.”
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