I do everything for my man but he’s cold and unresponsive
- Tuesday, June 7th, 2011 at 2:06 PM
I have a really HUGE problem. I’m a 20 year-old college student and I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now who’s 21 and also a college student.
I came to the college he was at because I didn’t want to be apart from him anymore (we were apart for 2yrs before I came to him.)
I got my own apartment so we could have our own space and privacy so we can do whatever we wanted to do. I really really LOVE my boyfriend Bella but I need some help!!
- He doesn’t hug me or kiss me unless I ask him for one or I take one and he doesn’t hold me at night. I’ve addressed these issues MANY times but things never change and I’m tired of it (this has been an issue for years).
- On the days when we both don’t have that much school work to do he spends the ENTIRE time (whether it’s a day or the whole weekend) playing games on his laptop and meanwhile I’m just there serving no purpose. I cook, clean, wash his clothes, take very good care of him.
- On average we had sex at least 3-4 times on weekly. Now I’m lucky if we have sex twice a month. I even resorted to doing sexual acts that I found to be gross (oral sex) but I did it because I really love him and I wanted to keep him satisfied and happy.
I’ve asked him if he’s just not attracted to me any more he says that’s not it I ask him if he’s bored with me he says no I ask him what is it then and he sheds no light on it.
- He also never takes me out. I know we’re college students and are limited on money I would like to be taken on a date once in a while. To the movies or out to dinner or he could just take me for a nice drive. I just want to do things that couples do, enjoy being a couple.
- I have addressed these issues to him many times before. We communicate really well but I feel like my needs are falling on deaf ears. There’s nothing that my boyfriend wants for or needs for because I do everything for him.
Bella I really need some advice here because I’m at my wits end. Please help me.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Your circumstance is indeed unfortunate because it appears that you are bending over backwards to please your boyfriend but he’s simply uninterested.
I really do not want to recommend ending the relationship but if you have been reaching out to him and he’s not responding, then maybe it’s time to formulate an exit strategy.
However, before you get to that point I strongly recommend seeking professional counseling to resolve this matter.
An objective professional third party may just be able to allow you both to evaluate the current state of the relationship and chart the way forward.
With the sacrifices that you have outlined over the 4-year duration of the relationship every effort must be made to unravel/discover what is at the heart of his apparent coldness or unresponsiveness. You deserve to know why he behaves in this manner towards you.
I do not want to speculate and list possible reasons for his behaviour as I’m only privy to one side of the story, but I am almost certain there’s something he’s hiding from you.
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19 Comments
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run girl run an dont look bac n plus u need to focus on ur eduacation
HE HAS LOST INTEREST IN YOU!! HE IS GETTING SEX FROM ELSEWHERE!! HE IS JUST USING YOU!!! YOU ALL DO NOT NEED ANY COUNSELING. JUST LEAVEEE!! I LEFT MY BOYFRIEND WHEN HE TREATED ME SO AND TRUST ME I AM GLADDD!! YOU ARE REVOLVING YOUR LIFE AROUND HIM, YOU ARE PUTTING HIM FIRSTT!! YOU DESERVE BETTER SO JUST LEAVEEE !!!
As another poster said, the relationship has run it’s course. He has lost interest in you. I think it is time to move on, if you love him it will be hard yes but nevertheless it has to be done.
I have been through many women in my life (I’m a former player) and women like you are hard to find, you are a rare GEM! You need to seek another guy but I suggest you put your school work first.
Maybe he’s gay???? I’m just saying…….
Only TWO REASONS…..The relationship run its course or……wait for it………. CLACK CLAMP…..PUSH!
College has lots and lots of girls his eyes dazzeling….. tooo many fish out there thats all.
the boy gay, you can’t see this?
he want what you want,
you should leave he behind quick
run fast from he backside.
boom bye bye…
GIRL LEAVE THAT DAM BASTERD ALONE AND CONSENTRATE ON YOUR SCHOOL WORK BECAUSSE HE DOSENT NEED YOU YOU DESERVE BETTER HE HAS A NEXT WOMAN OR A MAN OUT THERE . AND I BELEIVE IT IS A MAN TRUST ME HE LOOK LIKE HE IS NOT INTO WOMAN.
OMG……….I was saying the same thing. I honestly believe it’s a man too. Ah mean come on he is not interested in having sex with you. I think that the 2 years they spent away from each other something happened and he don’t know how to come out and tell her. But it obviously seems to me someone else broke him in GOOD. Run girl…….Run. I wouldn’t be surprised at what you find on his laptop too.
@, Anonymous…LOL @ “run girl run” lol
may be difficult for you since you and him been together for long especially how you and him been sexually active before marriage..but sometimes its good to let go…because he ain worth it since you been doing alot for him and he aint treating you right…if he really wants you and loves you..when you leave him he would miss everything you’ve been doing for him and most importantly miss you…cause men don’t know what they really have until its gone..something really have to be up with him because men are the ones who wants the sex more often, it could be that he is cheating and you..cause which man does be round his woman and don’t want to hold her,kiss her nor hug her…the best thing for you to do is leave him and forcus on your books cause when its all said and done your education will get you far in life not man..your young and have your whole life ahead of you…leave him and before you know it a real man would walk into your life and treat you like a woman should be treated…so don’t hold on to him…it just making it harder for you
Dear Frustrated,
I wish that I could transfer my experience and knowledge to you. At your age, and with your relationship experience (1 guy for 4 years= entire adult life) then you really do need advice. I personally think counseling is a waste of time and money in this circumstance. The guy is just not interested and needs to sort his own self out. This has nothing to do with how much you do or don’t do, or how attractive you are, or what you are willing to do sexually. You are just not compatible. It’s that easy. Sometimes the more we put into a relationship the more difficult it becomes to leave cause we want a return on our investment, but at your age i say get out before you get pregnant or make the mistake of marrying someone who isn’t right for you. If you look at the relationship as an investment, then the stocks are falling so stop throwing good money after bad. Of course you feel like you love him, but ask yourself, why do you love someone who clearly doesn’t make your feelings any sort of priority? Maybe you need some time alone to do some soul searching of your own. The fact is, if you put on a saddle, someone WILL ride you. Just leave him amicably, its not worth getting angry over. He hasn’t “done” you anything wrong, its just not the right fit but since you insist on doing everything for him he won’t be the one to leave, unless he finds someone else to do it. Just focus on yourself and one day when you find the right fit, you will wonder how you ever put up with this foolishness. I was once where you are and am now very happily married to someone who puts me first without my having to ask. All the best!
i love me a girl thats soo independent n tinks n acts like u ..pluss ur in college n im sure ur smart n beautiful……….love me sum youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…
Madam why are you wasting so much energy on this dude. You wash, cook and clean for him and it seems you even beg for sex from this guy. You don’t seem to be focused on school. Nothing you have said so far has shown me that this guy even likes you much less love you. He doesn’t deserve your time and effort. You need to open your eyes and get over this guy cause you just wasting time and energy that could be put into you studies. I wish you all the best.
U gave him too much, too early …thts the reason for his satisfaction
I’ll make sure your appreciated…….. wink wink…. on the real young lady i wish you luck both of you. Try to see whats up with home boy. dude acting shady or maybe he feels less of a man…who know. You doing everthing for him…whats left for him to do…if u catch my drift.
Hate to tell you this girl, but he’s just not that into you. In fact, you have become his housekeeper…in essence a replacement for his mother that once looked after him, cooked for him, cleaned his clothes and the home for him. You are WAY too young to be wasting your life away on a young boy who clearly has no interest in you. If you had the ability to watch two persons play out your life and interact similarly on a big screen you’d probably not hesitate in ending the relationship.
There is nothing wrong in recognizing a relationship has moved on. You are no longer the 16 year old girl. You both have changed significantly and are becoming young adults. It’s unfortunate that you followed your boyfreind to college and did not seek out a school rather on how it merits your goals and aspirations. Start living your life for yourself. Do not clean up after him and mother him on the weekends and evenings when you have spare time from your studies. A relationship is not about what you can do for him to make his life easy but should be about you both giving and taking to enhance both of your lives. Instead get out and partake in activities you enjoy. Go to a movie or dinner with your friends. Take a walk around the park. Take up a new hobby or enroll in an interest group at your college. Please do not waste your life waiting around for him to show you interest. Once your boyfriend sees that you are no longer mothering him and are instead living your life he will either put down the joystick and join you or selfishly be jealous and threaten your relationship. Either way it is a win-win scenario for you. I hope you can see that.
@Worthwhile Advice,
You hit the nail on the head. This poor silly girl is being his housekeeper and his mother, and he is practically tired of both. “I do everything for him” If you are doing everything for him then there is nothing left for him to do. While there are some men who like to be pampered and spoiled, there are those who just want their space. You are crowding the guy and the only polite way he can get through to you is to ignore you.
You need to get a life of your own and let him live his.
What is wrong with these women these days. One thing with a man when they want you you know and you won’t be here on Dear Bella asking her advice. A man has sex for the fun of it, if you’re right there and he’s not interested in you he’s getting it elsewhere make it worse you don’t go out. Looks like he downgrade you to housemate.
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