In love with an older guy
- Thursday, February 10th, 2011 at 5:02 PM
Dear Bella: I am 19 years old and I have a fatal attraction to someone who works in the same building as me. To me he is like my soul-mate because we understand each other without question. It’s like he can read me and I can read him too.
He is ten years older than me and I feel so stupid that I let myself fall so easy for him. He has a lot of friends that are females and honestly when I am around him, it makes me jealous.
I realized that I am just an ordinary friend to him despite the truck load of feelings I have for him. I would like to tell him how I feel but I don’t think it would make a difference because I think he has his heart set on who he wants in his future.
I don’t want to be seeing him every day with my heart aching with pain for this man. I just want it to go away.
Please help.
Hurt-in-Colours
Dear Hurt-in-Colours,
In essence there is nothing wrong with someone who is ten years older than you but since love is a powerful emotion, you have to tread carefully. There is nothing wrong with talking to the guy and telling him how you feel. I would actually advice you to do that. If you are honest with yourself you will be able to accept whatever the outcome is.
My only concern is that you said you get jealous when he speaks to his other female friends. This is very unhealthy and I think this is something you have to look into.
Bella
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21 Comments
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Y’all need to fire bella. Her advice seems to be
More personalized in her own view instead of advice that that helps the individual. In bella’s eyes this advice may be right but for a developing individual this is a trainwreck…… This girl needs to go to school, study, yes have crushes and what not but getting with old man Jenkins just ain’t gon get u know where cause he is not gonna ride the same train twice and live ur adolescence years with u . Unless he himself still tryna be a little boy chasing these young naive females. Why cant he get a woman his age? What’s with him and the other “female friends” see a trend here? Maybe , maybe not but are u thinking about it??? Life is short sweet heart and all that glitters isn’t gold…. And almost everything will glitter at the tender age of 19. At this point this man will do more harm than good because of the age difference alone. Also remember because of his age he will have experience in knowing what a young teen wants… And he may just know what cards to play to get what he wants out of u. So play it safe and date someone ur own age…. TRUST me.
I see so many people encouraging this nonsense of youngsters going with older men and I have to wonder what would any of you do if it was your daughter or sister bring home going out with a man 10 years older. We can all talk til our mouths dry but until we are associated in some way with it we will be talking an entirely different story.
It’s called Infatuation.
You said you have a fatal attraction towards a man. Do you know the meaning of fatal attraction? You sound like you have a crush on a man who might not share your feelings. Age is as blind as the color of justice. Before you descend into an abyss of madness and end up in a mental institution you should slow down. You are only nineteen. Have you completed college? It might be that because this man works in the same environment as you do, he is being courteous to you. Too many times people tend to misconstrue friendliness for romance. Have you listen to your self? You are already jealous of his relationship with others, and he doesn’t even know you exist romantically.
Why don’t you first become friends without fringe benefits and see where the friendship develops. During the course of your friendhsip you can talk truthfully with each other about your feelings for him. My suggestion to you; do not start any work place romance. Your place of work is not the environment for romance . Find other constructive things to occupy your time, and what ever you do always act like a lady.
The word “fatal” is very serious, which could be interpreted as you would kill for this guy. Be careful. You may want to say you have a serious attraction. I would not judge to say whether it is love you feel or otherwise. None of us can make that determination but you. Some talk about “puppy love”,but sometimes first time love last forever. I know because I have loved the same person since I was thirteen and i am now sixty years old and my love for him only gets stronger. So it is not in our place to decide for you. It is true though, that you may not feel the same way for this person at a different phase in your life.
Good luck in sorting this out.
Oleander u the one that sounds like a proper ahole.
I know people with 15 yrs age difference that married over 25 yrs now.
Stop classing everybody with what you think. It might work out between them, it might not
let the people live them life
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! All you other bloggers are just probably old farts… Honey … I know soooo many couples in which the man is 7- 10 years older than the woman… If you want a good man.. why not get some one more mature.. My husband is 7 years older than I am and I got married at 22… .. I had already complete college and continued my studies online… all while raising my children and they are growing wonderfully and are well balanced and happy…. but my husband helped much.. he was supportive, considerate and always encouraged me and that was because he was mature and level headed himself…. and10 years later we are happy, successful have our own home….not to mention the fact that if you are a level headed 19 year old WOMAN… 19 year old TEENAGE BOYS are typically IDIOTS!
@SHUT UP, OMG!!!! I LOVE U AND I DONT KNOW U!!!!! I could not have said it better!! Honey, if you want to tell this guy how u feel then go ahead! as bella said if he is not into u at least u were honest with urself!! being with someone older is not an issue! my fellow BVIslanders are small mind just like the damn island we live on.
@SHUT UP, A 19 year old is not a woman/man, and neither is she/she a child, they are in transition. That’s the problem with immature adults, yall leading our youths astray. Any fool can have children, own a house and have a happy marriage. At 19 someone 10 years older is tooo old, point blank.
This Bella sound like a proper ahole. What powder Bella smoking. There is nothing normal about a 19 year old and a person 10 yrs older entering a relationship. We all think we know it all when we are 19 23 even 27 yet we have so much to learn.
BVINews get rid of this Bella character from leading people astray despite your disclaimer.
@Oleander, You’re a certified JACKASS!! Nothing is wrong with someone, whether man or woman having a relationship with someone 10yrs their senior PROVIDED that the younger is an ADULT!!! Who the hell are you to dictate different? It’s not something people should promote so to speak but if it does happen people shouldn’t be ostrasized for it! There are some 40 year olds who act like teenagers, just browse Facebook and you will see it LIVE AND DIRECT! Age is a number!
On the flip side, there are young people even in their 20′s who, because of certain experiences early in life are more driven, focused and A LOT more mature than people twice their age, FACT! In the end, this should be judged on a ‘case by case’ situation and not by generalization! People who tend to think they know it all are the ones with the saddest lives, you’re one of them!
@Real Talk, very good way to put it, and blessings on you for it seems like you have experience and it is good that you can shear that with some of us small minded people.
@Oleander,
This is the twentifirst century, did someone forgot to enlighten you? You sound archaic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving someone older or younger as long as the feelings are mutual. You sound like you know it all, therefore your life must be very static (boring) I know many people, happily married people, single people in loving relationships who are older and younger than each other. My dear, its the heart afraid of being hurt that never takes a chance. Start living, loving and laughing it does the heart good.
To:
Bella as a psychotherapist, I look forward to your weekly column.
@gwen, I agree with you 1000%. to love and be loved is the greatest feeling on earth whether you are nineteen or ninety-nine. Love makes the world go around.
@Oleander, dont worry with Oleanda – they had some older person hurt them so now they feel like they out to get every older person. GET>>A>>>LIFE!!!!!
@dum bell, I doubt that. It’s just a fact of life and we fail to see it. We need to stop encouraging our youths to be going after these old hard back men.
@., Thank you. That’s the problem with the generation of today. They feel they always know and don’t think. I know when my parents would try to lecture me about something and I always wanted to see for myself. It’s one thing if you’re 30 and he’s 40 but 19 we are only just beginning to discover ourselves. It really is no wonder the young girls forcing woman and these older mens preying on them.
I agree that it is very improbable for a relationship to work with someone who is ten years older especially because you are so young, age matters less the older you get. As other responders have said, this is a crush, admiration even, and you yourself admit that there is no chance since he does not see you in the same way. He is entering a different phase in life than you are. I don’t think it would be helpful to tell him how you feel, it would only make things awkward and make him want to stay away from you so as to not hurt you further. There is nothing wrong with admiring him, learn what you like most about this person, it will help you in your search for a partner later on. Believe me, there are many fish in the sea, don’t get hung up over this one and hurt yourself in the process. Try not to be alone with him, try to get some distance between you at work, and go out with your friends. Take up a hobby. In other words, distract yourself until your feelings lessen or you meet someone else with whom you can have a suitable relationship. By the way, give some thought to furthering your education, university is s great place to meet new people. All the best!
go and sit your lil hot crutch self down
thts just a crush, not a love !!!
thts normal….
Even i like many older woman than me, but i cant do anything
There is something wrong with someone who is 10 years older than you ESPECIALLY when you are only 19! You both are or will be entering different phases of life shortly. He will be looking for a wife and if you don’t intend to get married at 20 or 22 don’t get involved with him.
It’s OK to have a crush…remember those when you were younger they faded away after a while right? So too will this.
My advice to you is focus on your studies. You are young and may feel like you have a whole lot of time to do what you want to do but the truth is you don’t. The key is to set goals for yourself, what age do you want to have your degree by. Do you want to get married and have children, when? at what age? Do you want to own your own house, or business? What age to you want to retire by? Set goals for yourself and work towards them. As you work towards your goals boyfriends will come and go if they are hampering you in achieving your goals. But you won’t know this you are merely existing with no set idea of what you want in life.
One more thing, you’re young and working. Please Please Please save your money. The less money you have to borrow from the bank the better it will be for you. Taken from the pages of someone who had the same dilema 20 years ago.
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