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I am 200% sure that as I write this or as you read this someone is having sex with someone’s wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend. Not necessarily you, but someone out there who’s reading this.

Oh, put the darn phone away. Asking for whereabouts and “who, when, why, what” will not stop anything. People can have sex while talking to someone else on the phone, saying they’re cleaning the house or walking on the street or sleeping.

Take my advice: go home without notice, then let me know what takes place.

“It’s not what it seems,” is what he or she would tell you.

Anyway, have any of you people ever had that experience by the way? Catch your lover having sex with someone else – the whole action? I am not talking about kissing or hugging. I am talking about raw, raw, sweaty, overtime sex.

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I guess not because if you did, you would not be reading this column. Most likely you would either be in prison, the mad house or dead (by suicide).

I had a similar experience though.

One day, I forgot a very important document home, and I needed it for work. I tried calling my ex, just to make sure it is home so I won’t waste my time driving two miles home for it. Unfortunately, I had to drive two miles because I could not reach her. Her phone was off. Well, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I thought probably the battery died or she turned it off to get some sleep because it was her day off.

Well, to me, it would mean surprising her so I bought lunch for both of us, and headed down the country path.

When I arrived, I noticed a car pull up like 200 feet from our gate, which was weird because no other house existed within a mile of us. But I gave “the scenery” the benefit of the doubt.

“Aww maybe someone went into the forest to sh***… naughty peeps,” I thought.

When I reached the door it was locked. I knocked three times but got no answer. No surprise. Maybe she was sleeping, I thought. I went on to open the door to my two-bedroom apartment. As I entered quietly, I was shocked to hear the bed squeaking and faint moaning and kissing (quite loud I may add). First thought is that she is watching porn because both of us are freaks.

I am even freakier so I decided not to say anything. I wanted to peep to see what she was doing because no girl watches porn by herself at that time of the day and is not doing something to herself.

But as I got closer to the door, the squeaking, moaning and kissing got louder. By then, I knew that was no porn movie. That was reality porn!

Alas! My girlfriend was having sex with another man.

OK, immediately I felt a mixture of emotions: my heart was beating fast, I was sweating, I got nervous and then red-hot angry. My knees were shaking, I felt my hands trembling. I pushed the door suddenly.

In front my eyes, I saw something I never saw before: my girlfriend making out with another woman.

I did not faint. I simply joined in the action.

But that was a dream – a dream I still wish could be repeated. When I woke up that early morning, I was sweating and shaking like I was actually there. I wish it was real. But it was a good suspense-thriller-turned-porn-movie. I am not sure if I ended up being the star of the movie – or the dream – but I sure know it would’ve been a lot of fun.

Well unfortunately, not a lot of people are that lucky. Some have experienced the real deal. Catching your man with another man; catching your woman with another man; or catching your man with another woman. And I am sure it is devastating.

The woman-on-woman episode is hardly ever heart-breaking but the suspense can kill.

I have been asking a few peeps what they would do if they caught their lover with another person. Some say they would kill, others say they would walk away or just join in.

But we can say anything when it is not happening to us. When reality hits home we may react totally opposite to what we thought.

Personally, I believe someone’s reaction is dependent on how much you loved the person. If it is someone you wanted off your back then that is a perfect scenario to take off from the sour relationship. If you were in love or loved deeply, chances are you would evoke deadly rage.

Here are some reactions from a few peeps I spoke to (names changed to protect identity:

FF: I would probably faint but it would be quite devastating though.  I would be very angry and I would feel betrayed.

DG: Beat both of them.

SNAPPER: If she lives with me… I will make sure she knows I caught her… and I will continue to live with her and never talk about it. I will continue to be myself in the house but I will never sleep with her. Basically I will fraustrate her a** so much she will go crazy. The hardest thing is to not know what I am thinking, then when she cannot take it no more she will leave and I will blog her a** away pictures and all. If she does not leave with me, same ting but I will just go straight to blogging her a** away. She will never have another man again because the whole world will know. Boss doh worry with me na. I will just shoot her. End of story.

Alana: At first I will laugh. I am at my calmest when I am most angry.  Then somebody would be badly beaten.

Tan: Seriously, I would not let them see me, and go and get some boiling water and douse the two of them. That would be my first reaction.

Ven: Of course after I collect myself and recover from shock I would start throwing things at him. If I don’t have a gun in my hand then he should consider himself lucky, and leave him of course.

AN: Nothing out of the ordinary. Take my immediate needs and find somewhere to go and free myself; would not even want to discuss it.

Dwayne: Not sure.

Georgi: I’d take a pic and walk away. I would need the pic for proof.

Kev: Depends on whose bed it is. Mine? Probably go on the attack because das just disrespectful. Hers? Walk out and leave.

Laden: Beat he den walk out den probably mash up he house.

Helen: I would walk away and never look back.

Lish: Would just walk away
Someone else said would beat them both

Lish: If it is in my bed lol trust me they will be dead.

Lil Pimp: Mmm that’s a hard one.  Wow, I don’t know.

Sherl: I probably would just burst out in tears and then look for the closest weapon in my reach.

Nicky: Shoot em.

Sabby: I would get angry at first but ultimately just let it go. Every person free to do as they please … if my man chooses to cheat on me then that is him. I just have to get rid of him and say screw that. It has other fish – bigger, better fish in the sea.

Teo: Make their lives a living hell.

Jose: I’m gonna kill her! lol

Terry: If it’s a man, it’s pretty much over. If it’s a woman, the question is do you want me to join, watch or go away. If the latter, I’m gone for good.

My conclusion is that if something like that happens to you, it makes no sense being violent because at the end of the day, you’re getting yourself into lots of trouble. And what’s more heartbreaking than being imprisoned and allowed to pay for your lover’s crime? And while you’re there languishing in jail, he or she will be having much more booty calls – possibly with the same person.

I covered a story once where a dude beat up another dude because he allegedly touched his girlfriend’s vagina in a crowded place. Without concrete proof, and basing his actions only on his girlfriend’s words, he went on a punching spree – almost killing the young man. He got several years in prison. When he was released he was killed shortly after (not sure if it was related to his imprisonment). And where is the girl now? She has another man. He is now like a dust in the wind.

Violence is not the answer. Just walk away and vent your frustration on something else.

See ya next week.

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