Relationship loses steam
- Tuesday, January 11th, 2011 at 9:14 AM
Dear Bella: I am a young woman who at this point is a bit confused! I’ve been with a particular guy for the past year and I love him greatly but for the past year I despise the way he treats me.
It’s not that he is violent towards me or anything but he is not appreciative and shows little love and interest on a time to time basis. He is considered to be very stingy when it comes to giving me money, and acts as if he is involved with someone else.
Recently, a guy who I’ve know for the past three or so years has been there for me, showing me the attention I want and need. I know that am not in love with the guy but I sense that if my boyfriend continues acting this way there is a sure chance I will fall in love with him.
My boyfriend tends to pick up the role of my father, who I may add, was never there and is self-centered; he is childish and immature and gets jealous quickly to the point he acts very ignorant.
I don’t believe in leaving a relationship and just jump into another immediately but I feel that’s exactly what will happen. I really need your opinion!
Please help.
Yours truly,
Desperate
Dear Desperate: I understand your frustration. It can be very annoying. However you have not said whether you have tried to discuss your concerns with him. Assuming you haven’t, you must seek to sit down with him and discuss your concerns if you do love him and want to continue having a relationship with him.
He probably thinks he is being a good boyfriend and not aware that he is not pleasing you. A lot of times females tend to stay in a bad relationship and whine and complain without talking to their man. Your man is not a psychic. He is probably set in his ways. The only way to find out is to discuss it with him, ask him if he has a problem with you, if he is interested in the relationship or if he still has love for you.
Express your love for him in that meeting. Tell him your concerns. Tell him if he does not want to it to work be honest so you both can move on and avoid any further headache.
A relationship will not work if there is a continued breakdown of communication. Insecurity normally seeps in and the end result is infidelity issues. You believe he has a woman, but what if he does not? Please ask the guy. He is your man. You do not have to be confrontational and argumentative either. That’s not the right way to communicate with him.
Plan a dinner or lunch with him at a nice, quiet location where you can both discuss. You can even stay home.
You must try whatever you can to salvage your relationship. If it cannot be salvaged or fixed then you have the choice to end it.
Too many times people expect relationships to be perfect and believe that because a guy on the side is showing them a lot of attention means that their relationship is not working. It takes two to tango. If you and your boyfriend do not make an effort TOGETHER then it will not work. The onus is also on you, the complainer, to speak up and ask for a resolution. There must be a compromise from one of you.
And stop paying this other guy attention. He probably wants to sleep with you. If you cannot fix your problem with your boyfriend, what will happen when you go into another relationship and it has problems? Are you going to run to the next opportunity? No I do not think that’s a good idea. You must learn to tackle problems and face them. No relationship is perfect. Every relationship has problems.
And if this does not work, please heal before rushing into another relationship, regardless of how long you’ve known this “other” guy.
Bella
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24 Comments
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Dear desperate
There is nothing more rewarding than indeendence. When u dont rely on people for money or other things.. we all need help sometimes but the ability and knowledge to take care of ourselves is most rewarding. you have the ability to change it around. are u falling for your friend because he gives u things? well i bet you’ve complained about your boyfriend….. men love women who are independent and can help themselves….. it is also self rewarding
To GIRLY REPLY:
You’ve been with your man for six years. Will he ever be anything more than your man?
Don’t you want more from him, or you are satisfied with the status quo? Will you ever be the Mrs. or you just are settling for the fringe benefits?
@Concerned about you, Get real! Sex is the basis of ALL relationships between a man and a woman.
One of the problems with relationships is that people put sexual intimacy into the equation. That sexual intimacy then clouds out or confuses other serious even major concerns about the person and the relationship.
In order to have a clear head to evaluate the relationship against, stop having intercourse with the person (after all he/she isn’t even your husband or wife). Then have some serious sober communication with this person. Decide whether you have a future together. If you don’t have a future together: “why are you in the relation?”
@, Seriously???? Sex is the basis of all relationships. Get with the program. What if you don’t want to be married? Spend your entire life without intercourse?
Truthfully think of this about a marriage: When one partner stops wanting/giving sex a marriage collapses. Intimacy is what brings us together and keeps us together. Birds do it, bees do it and yes, single human beings do it!
LOL You know how much time i done act like these girls friend just to get them in bed… this never fails pay attention or aleast act like you paying attention call them babe and the like when them and them man having problems i am there to console them
sooner or lata is bed time lol and i am right there to read them the bed time story LOL
@The Friend Role, That’s not a friend role, that’s a Predator role.
@sick, sick, sick,
Yes, and its about time that we start recognizing the predators!
@The Friend Role, wow if you seriously have to “act” to be a woman friend to get in bed…you seriously have issues lol. more than sick if you ask me.
if something AIN WORKING.. IT JUST AIN WORKING..
Why is it that people think they need to be in an unhappy relationship? Why can’t people enjoy being single with no ties and living life for themselves? Yes, we all want to be in love and be loved in return, but day after day we hear of people in bad relationships. There is so much truth to the saying that we must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. The meaning behind this is that we must learn what makes us who we are. What are the things that make us happy or sad? What are the things we want out of life and out of our relationships? What traits have we no tolerance for? What are our deal breakers when it comes to a partner? I can tell you straight up that personally some of my top deal breakers would be:if 1) he is not appreciative, 2) shows little love and interest on a time to time basis 3)is very stingy, and 4) acts as if he is involved with someone else. This man wouldn’t even get past date one with me (and probably alot of women). Sweetheart, you will be happier single and surrounded by friends than you will ever be wasting your life in a dead end relationship that brings you sorrow. You deserve so much more! Set your standards and don’t settle for anything less. It may take time but enjoy your life while you are waiting. If you have good friends and family that love you, you will never need feel alone.
the Writer of this article
Ladies I am a young woman in my early twenties, has no kids and don’t plan to until I Finish college here, go abroad further my studies and got some series degrees so i can go anywhere i make a sensible income, then come bk build or buy a home, and I WORK here me again I WORK and go college grades are A’s and B’s and single since 07 how i did it I stayed focus on GOD, and i have in mind what goals and achievements i want, most guys just looking to use your body and then leave you or hang you while with you, stay true to yourself and respect your body its the temple of God, don’t look for a man to give you anything unless its your father or husband, we as young ladies relie on men to much, and when the guy is gone we feel so worthless and used. hope this helps you and its not to late to turn to GOD he is there night or day rain or shine for his children GOD bless!
i was wid this dude for a while and i neva knew he was with a friend of mine until i saw him driving her jeep..i ask him if he was with somebody from get go he told me no.but how stupid can i be.i went to his woman andi told her because we speak when we see each other and we both confronted him.the amount of lies he told her infront me i was shocked beyond..and u kno what she told me.i can f him i i want to she ain care!!!but she will care when she find out she have a std from him….he took her ride used to scoop me he came many times in her jeep and i myself saw him late at night in her ride on his phone going by other woman…i was trying to be a freind to her when i found out he was with her,but she jus stupid!!she getting her bills paid from him thats y she ain care!!but he has a std…she will learn..
@HMMM, that mean you got the std too. Ayo need to stop. Ans you aint not conclour get out of the situation grow up and move on
I can speak from experience… I left a long term relationship, where I knew the the person loved me to go deal with some one else and that worst one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. The person acted like my friend and payed attention and acted so true made me feel he was genuine. The relationship with that person did not even last a month.
I held off having sex with that person cause i wanted a true relationship. The person got annoyed and disinterested and eventually decided to stop being my friend. All the niceness and attention stopped. I should of seen a red flag when in our conversations the person would always allude to something sexual. People like this never have good intentions for you. If some one wants to have a quality relationship with you sex would be the furthest thing from there mind. I lost a quality long term relationship with some one who wanted to marry me because i made a foolish decision.
Couple months down the line a friend of mine told me the person tried the same thing on them and after he got what he wanted he stopped the act and would not call any more. I want any one who is in a situation like this to listen and listen carefully….. NEVER EVER… Leave a relationship you are in to be with some one else who is acting like your friend you will be making a decision you will regret.
Futhermore if you are in a relationship and the person knows this … that person will not be looking for anything other than something sexual… because they know in the back of their mind if you are willing to leave your current relationship to be with them then you would leave a relationship with them to be with some one else. Therefore their only agenda with you would be to try to sleep with you. Please take head and don’t be fooled.
@No person truly want something serious with some one in another relationship,
Who say so. For years i had a thorn im my flesh. Another woman wanted my man more than me. She gave him the sex and made my life hell. Today she is living what used to be my life. She wanted him no matter what and I guess he wanted her too. So from where I am sitting it pays to go after what you want regardless of who gets hurt
Dear Desperate:
You said you love your boyfriend, But does he love you? you’ve been with him for a year and you despise the way he treats you. Why have you stayed with him? It is obvious that you two do not have a relationship. You are crazy about him, but how does he feel about you?
Your boyfriend does not think very highly of you. Perhaps to him, you are just a friend, with fringe benefits. Why have you tolerated the way he has been treating you? He is not going to change, so before you get in over your head, leave while the dooor is still open. You said “he is not appreciative, shows little love and interest, and is stingy.
We only pass this way once, and life is not a rehearsal stage if you screw things up that you can come back and fix them. True love cherishes, honors, respects, is unconditonal and does not inflict pain and suffering. This is a new year, start loving YOU, and live your best life. Do not run into the bed of another man because the one you are with is not giving you what you want. Take time to know who you are, and what you really want from a relationship. True love will find you when you are not looking. Be true to your self.
@Gwen,
I agree but when you have been treated so badly a person will surely miss true love when it comes.
huh, immature grl
Just as Bella said… workout your stuff at home. Maybe the man noticed what you are doing with this other guy , if you think he doesn’t know….THINK AGAIN. We also pickup on things but we have a different way of dealing with it. Sometime it goes to show if you reallly have any intrest in your man.Try FLURTING with your man, instead of out there chasing ghost.Most of our problem starts when we don’t respect who we are with. There will always be problems …big ones… small ones. What are you planning to do?..keep running from man to man?
Not to badly said Bella,
But ummm …all man want to sleep with woman.. it is a given
But seems like you are assuming that sleeping with her is his only intention. He could be genuinely interested.
@Bella, genuinely interested in a woman in a relationship….. u need to stop talking fraud… what interest would i have in a woman in a relationship with some one else…. LOL. I would do the same thing parna doing …..friend she up give she listening ear make her feel comfortable and then wait for my opportunity to get what i want… if you dumb enough to leave ya relationship for some one who talking to you on the side you deserve to get used so thats exactly what i will do … then is on to the next one…… Hey I am just being real here … what more can i say
@No person truly want something serious with some one in another relationship,
Well, well, I guess that goes to show what men will do to get piece of duty puss. And they are willing to pay for it. And then again a women knows now a days that is all a man wants so why not get her bills paid while she is at it.
@So you are willing to pay, I HAVE BEEN WITH MY MAN 6 YEARS NOW AND WE MEET WHILE BOTH OF US WAS IN RELATIONSHIP AND WE ARE SO HAPPY TOGETHER … SO JUST SAYING THIS TO SAY ALL MEN NOT THE SAME
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