Tired and frustrated of husband’s laziness
- Tuesday, April 26th, 2011 at 9:05 AM
I am a married woman in my early 30’s. I have been with my husband for about nine years, and we have two wonderful children. My problem is that my husband is lazy. Out of our monthly expense I pay at least 75 percent and my husband is quite contented with that.
I tried talking to him about getting a better job or a part-time job but he is very stubborn and doesn’t want to do anything else. This is putting a huge strain on our marriage and I am to a point where I am ready to tell him to hit the road, because I fell as if I am a single mother.
I no we took a vow for better or for worst but the worst is getting to hard for me to bear. I have been taking care of him for so long I think is time that I start taking care of myself. I have the responsibility of being the mother to our kids as well as the bread winner for the family. Do you think I should kick him out?
P.S. Bloggers help me out here I am just so tired and frustrated.
Sincerely
Tired & frustrated.
Dear tired and frustrated,
It can be frustrating to bear the burden of maintaining the family especially when you have a counterpart to assist. This task should be done in a more balanced collaboration for the welfare and happiness of all the members of the family.
Your husband’s satisfaction with his contribution to the family may not simply be only as a result of laziness. If this is the case, you need to talk to him and help him feel like a man so that he can take control of the affairs of his family. Seek to motivate him.
Talking should not involve blaming and accusation, as that may only aggravate the situation. Consider counselling as this can possibly help to discover the underlying issues.
If after trying counselling there is no change or even a compromise then you may be left with no option but to end the marriage, but that is only as a last resort if everything else fails.
You cannot be working yourself to death at this age.
That man needs an awakening.
Bella
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18 Comments
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I am appalled at some of the comments I am reading. Some persons are blaming women and equal rights, while others are stating you should cheat on your husband. Honey I do understand your frustration. I am not in that position, however my husband and I have counseled persons in your position. Leaving your husband should not be the first response. You stated you have been talking to him, the question is how are you doing so. Have you been accusing him, shouting, showing your frustration. I am going to tell you this, even though you may feel you have a right to react this way, it is not the best approach. You need to seek counseling, This way you may know exactly what is bothering him. I will tell you this, sometimes they are issues that are present before marriage and after the wedding we want or hope things will change. Having a qualified “third party” involved could help with the situation.
What was the lifestyle of your husband before you got married? were you an enabler in his laziness” as you call it? It seems like you forgot to discuss a whole lot of things before you said “I do” It should have been discussed between the two of you said “I do”. who would be responsible for certain things in the marriage for example, the husband pays the rent/mortgage and the bills, and you pay for the clothes, food etc.
I don’t know where you are living but the economy is hard all around. People are loosing their jobs, companies are downsizing. I know for a fact that some companies have not given raises in three or more years to their employees. Your husband might not be lazy, he might just be “stuck”. There are some people whose careers have been in “Parked” for so long that they have forgotton how to shift the gear to forward.
If you have a good man you should not get rid of him. You should take the time to communicate to him how you are feeling instead of belittling him and making him feel less than a man. Men respond better when they are spoken to instead of yelling and screaming at them as if they were children.
I know a couple who had been married for twenty five years. The wife is a Registered Nurse and the husband was a custodian. The wife’s salary was three times the amount of his, they had a beautiful home with all the trimmings. There was never any arguments of I make more money than you do and I”m tired of supporting you. Yes, they also had children. The husband died three years ago, and the wife gave the eulogy. They had a love affair that kept them together when other couples would have divorced.
Try to find the good qualities about your husband, build on them. Communicate with him as an equal. Ten years from now he just might be the CEO of a company and you might be looking for a job.
@Gwen, Good Advice gwen.
…I in a similar situation myself. But right now I can’t say whether it is out of laziness (but I don’t think so), lack of ambition or lack of opportunity. I agree it does get fustrating.
Women on a whole need to upgrade their dating decisions and choose a better quality of man. I’m sure you turned down a good man to be with that bum because he didnt have enough “swag” But the game is to be sold not told.
I’m going through this same situation. I was the sole bread winner for my family until my wife got her masters and earned a higher salary than me. Now her lifestyle has changed and I can’t keep up. I make 30+ dollars and hour and she still tells me I need to find a better paying job. She calls me lazy scrub.
guess we have outgrown each other.
I’ve been there and getting out of the marriage was the best thing I ever did in my life. I feel for you girl. There is nothing worse than working hard and watching your man laze around, drink with his buddies, go recreational fishing, or whatever turns him on, while you are at work stressing yourself to earn the money to put food on the table, pay the rent and clothe the children. I stood by my man when he was unemployed and gave constructive advice on how he could find work on his own. The thing was, he was lazy and didn’t want to work. He enjoyed doing nothing. To this day there is nothing more repulisive to me than a man who has no ambition to do his best in life, and that means providing for his family (or at least contributing as best he can). If a man doesn’t want the responsibilities of earning money then he needs to keep his stick in his pants, refrain from creating any offspring and stay home with his mommy and daddy!
You need to talk to him and tell him that not only do you expect more of a man but that he should feel pride in accomplishing more in life. Discuss his interests and areas he would like to work in. Maybe he needs more eduction. Help him enroll in college and/or correspondence courses. Support him in his efforts….as long as he makes an effort. If he shows no interest, and really only wants to be a lazy sloth, then best you divorce him and find a real man. You’re doing it all presently so seperating from him won’t be that much of a burden on you. Your children won’t suffer either. As long as he can stop being lazy when it come to being a father figure and involving himself actively in their life.
Many will say you said vows before God and you need to stick by your husband. Well, in my Church God loves us all and he celebrates in us living our lives to the greatest potential. To not aspire for those bounds is to not involve God in in our lives. A lazy man is not what God created. He gave us minds, hands, talents and intellect to be our best and continue to grow, If you sit back and let your husband bring you down and use you to enable his laziness, then you yourself are not living your life to the greatest potential you can be. You are denying your children and yourself a full life by being chained to the life your husband is creating for you because of his selfish and lazy ways. You’re 30. Why would a loving god want you to spend the next 50 or so years chained to someone who does not care enough to provide for his wife, his children, his family? Your husband broke the deal when he failed to live up to the minimum expectations that society asks of a man. Get away from the deadbeat, live your life to the fullest, teach your children to aspire to be their best in the way they treat people, the way they work, the way they treat their future spouses and families. If you decide to date again in the future, make sure before hand that he has the qualities of a real man before sitting down at that table!
Good luck!
BUN HIM, TEK MAN PON HIM TEK DEH HOUSE AND CAR AND RUNN HIMMMMMM!! LOL!!
Seriously, sounds like a scrub to me if you’re telling the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth in your letter. I know a few guys who are like that, content with a woman taking care of them, buying everything etc. while they loaf around, watching tv and acting like a big kid. There’s really no question here, if you approach him as an adult about the situation and he does nothing to help it, then you should just walk away! However, walking away is not always that simple when there are kids involved, especially depending on their ages. This can take a serious toll on the kids and you’ll have to take that into consideration!
Don’t be too quick to run (for the kids sake) but if he doesn’t try anything to better the situation, in the end you’ll have to pack him up and put him on the step because like with everything else, enough is enough!
Men have been doing what she is complaining about for generations and no one complained, so let her wake up and enjoy her ‘equality’
@Bolly,
women dont want equal rights, they just want things THEIR WAY. i bet if he was paying 75% she wouldnt say a thing
@equal, I agree. It is such a onesided world we live in. It doesnt matter who earns the most money, it is a partnership. SOme ladies want to sit around at home while there man works 2 jobs. You both need to decide what it is you want in life – money is not everything. you cant buy love.
@jokes and bolly its either you are a lesbian who act as a man or you are a plain old good for nothing man. The woman is asking for help to save their marriage not for him to pay all the bills or equal rights. Learn to read and understand. When English class was in session i guest both of you was looking through the window. No one person in any relationship wants to pay all the bills. at the bill time both party should come together and put forth their contribution. Whether one party pay this month and the other pays for the next month. But to have kids and have one person paying 75% of all the bills is nonsense. Woman if he doesn’t want to get up off his lazy @ss then you stop doing for him and take care of you and the kids. We as woman need to show men we don’t need them cause the mint you open your mouth it’s a complain to them. I was once married to and the idiot left me with a lot of bills things i don’t even know about and 2 kids just because i let my pride get in the way. i let him be him instead of telling him stop spending his money on alcohol and friends. If you have to kick him OUT and let him see how serious you are.
@OMG, Your grammar is just as bad as Bolly and Jokes. You have a chip on you shoulder, bitter woman
@Bolly, What is wrong with you? you so damn foolish. He is a damn bum and just sucking the poor girl into the ground and when he done suck her dry he go let some other woman enjoy the profit. Kick him to the curb and dont look back. And dont listen to the negative ones them their selves are worst off than you and they cant bear the fact that you speak up for your rights. Let them all go to hell you tooooooo young for that.
hmmm to tell you the truth i’ve seen this with my mom and she been married more than 13 yr but at least you can say a percentage with her she pays for everything and with new things being install money is getting same and smaller although she should be paied over $2000 every 2wks but she still held on to him. so to tell you the truth idk what to say in this situation
this very sad i feel ya pain …..dont leave him jus be real with him tell him whats up…and how you really feel maybe he`ll understand..if not do what you got to do to feel happy again…
My role as a husband is reversed from yours. I earn all the money in the household and my wife doesn’t work at all. Yes this is how life used to be but she is lazy.
I knew this before we got married and I accept this. Eventually after she gets her degree in a few years she may become the main breadwinner in the family.
When you got married did your husband have the same job he does now, did you have an office job and get promotion?
Since reading Bella I find her advise very askew to the realities of life like giving up on a marriage because you earn the most money. Give your husband more to do in the household with the children even if it doesn’t mean the cleaning just getting the kids out with their dad and giving you downtime to relax with make his 25% seem much more worthwhile and save the marriage which is for life as said before God. Don’t give up you if you knew from the start what job and income your husband would have and you were a go getter!
And to Bella you need to take a course or two before giving advise and telling a woman to break up her marriage because her husband doesn’t earn enough money, you must be a right Gold digger yourself!
@realist, lolololol well u told um…hm
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