Woman becomes ‘slave to love’ after cheating ends relationship
Dear Dr. Cindy - Wednesday, September 5th, 2012 at 4:41 PM
Dear Dr. Cindy: I thought long and hard about writing to you but decided against it but I can’t stand it any longer. I really need another opinion.
Ok here’s my situation: I am still in love with the man that I hurt. You see, we were in a relationship for over two years and I take blame for us not being together today, you see I CHEATED! Yes I know a lot of you will comment and say that I got what I deserved but there isn’t a day that I don’t apologize for what I did and try to make things right between us!
It was just one stupid slip up and it all came about because of a heated argument between us and I found comfort in talking to a male close friend of mine. But that’s just the tip of the ice berg. I’m really confused right now. You see since that muck up, he has forgiven me (I think) and we have ended the relationship and remained as friends, as some say “friends with benefits”; we practically still do the same things we were doing before but as he says we’re not together I’m single, he’s single, and I must admit I do find myself getting jealous at times when he tells me he’s going to the movies with a friend or when he sleeps over and his phone rings and he is on BB messenger. It hurts because I know that it’s a woman that he is communicating with.
I cook, clean, wash. When this man doesn’t get paid, sometimes weekly I give him my WHOLE pay check so that he can be happy. I give this man sex the way he wants it. I would do everything for this man, but lately I am feeling as if I am being used!!!
I have even tried going out with other guys but I am so numb to them. The slightest touch of another man repulses me. I can’t stand it. I don’t know what else to do. I have tried leaving him alone, not calling, not texting him, just to try to get over him but all I do is get depressed and cry every night. I even found myself taking at least six to eight painkillers to sleep sometimes. It’s like I’ve enslaved myself to him and don’t know how to leave. Please help me, I want to be happy again with a man that will cherish me and appreciate me (even though he does).
I won’t talk bad about this man either because like I said I would do everything for him. He also in turn would do anything for me. This man does my laundry EVERY weekend. I mean c’mon lol, he cooks for me also when I work on weekends, and brings my lunch or dinner to me. But what I don’t get is why he doesn’t want to get back with me. It has been nine months, do people hold on to things that long? Do you think the reason he doesn’t want to get back, he is afraid of getting hurt again?
Really need your quick response on this one.
Slave to love
Dear Slave to Love:
I am glad you decided to write, sometimes getting another perspective helps. Also, simply seeing it written in black and white may make it less complicated and a bit clearer for you. You seem to be sincere in your regret of your cheating and have communicated this to him. It is now up to him to accept it fully. Remember, having a close friend of the opposite sex puts one in a situation where the lines can be crossed. Be mindful of this.
Yes, you get jealous possibly because you still have feelings for him. Are you being used? Only he has the answer to that. You may want to ask yourself, “What are you getting in return?” Remember my definition of a relationship: a mutually benefiting association. Being the friend with benefits allows him to still have all of the luxuries of a romantic relationship, but because there is not the understanding or label or commitment on either of you, should you be with another, the hurt factor would not be an issue for him.
You seem to know your options – leave or stay. The question is, which can you tolerate? You seem to want more than you have, but you say what you have is actually good, but not good enough. The trust has been broken for him, but he too does not seem to know how to let go of you.
The longer you remain as “friends with benefits”, there will be no reason to address a committed relationship of mutual monogamy. Be honest with yourself and him. What do you want and what do you not want? Communicating your thoughts may be the first step to finding normalcy.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Cindy
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Hmm. He probably just doesn’t trust you. Therefore he is keeping you in the position that is comfortable for him. Have you tried asking him why he hasn’t taken you back (as opposed to speculating)?
What happened to this Wednesday’s column (Sept. 12)???
ADMIN
Due to technical difficulties from our host providers, the column will resume next week.
ayo tola woman beastlee mehson
Why do some men and women assume that to Be Complete they need to be IN LOVE with someone else?
Do your own “TING.” And avoid Commitments!
There is no such thing as “cheating”…unless a couple is married!
And then it is called “adultery.”
Unless and Until two persons in LOVE are MARRIED, what they do with their bodies is each individual’s business.
This notion of mere Lovers feeling GUILTY about cheating on each other, prior to any sort of LEGAL commitment is INSANE and PSYCHOTIC.
Why should such LOVE be envious?
When you love someone it isn’t so easy to let go and sometimes even if the signs are there and as much advice given to you to leave there is just always that spark of hope that it can change but truth is your allowing your self to be emotionally tortured and it will only break you down and drain your self esteem…you just have to accept that it will never be and move on but everyone has there own time to do so.. i really understand her pain and hope she gets the courage to leave…just keep in mind that what ever you allow a man to do to you he will do and we live in a world especial on Tortola where ppl watched and observe the choices you make allowing a man to walk over you like that you lose respect and i hope you learned your lessons from cheating cause it really doesn’t get you anywhere.. don’t mean to sound mean but it is the truth..hope you find the strength to move on
he is lucky thts all he is getting. i should have just send him on his way……..maybe u can pick him up
first of all i am nt sure y everyone think tht if you r dating a man you must be sleeping with them(we r dating for 3mths,taking time to knw each other n we never had sex)…… since he cheated condom has come into play, and when u say tht men cheat because they are nt happy, thts a damn lie, u dont have to give a man no reason to cheat. most men like to use king solomon as an example for cheating and saying he had many concubines and wives so y is it wrong when they r doing it and it in the bible……………..Fyi: there is nothing childish about wat i am doing, and nothing is nasty about sleeping with the man i have been with for almost 6yrs(we were to get married, and after he cheated he still talking about marriage, but i dnt want tht anymore) who thinks i am his woman…… payback just happens to be a bitch, thts all
If am building a house,most likely i would stay with my mom because i want to make sure everthing goes the way i want it, i would save until i get exactly wat i want, then i move in…..i just call it jumpin ship lol thts what kind of relationship i have with the cheater
If you ask me you sound like a bitter woman and to be honest, it’s no wonder he cheated. I live by the Golden Rule, “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12)Lady continue to carry grudges and live your life trying to be the bitch behind the payback and you will never find happiness because you’re going to make a lot more enemies than friends. truthfully, by the way you are portraying yourself with your posts your cheating boyfriend is a far better person than you’ll ever amount to be. I think you need to make an appointment with Dr.George to assess your bitterness and work towards being a better woman.
The man is the thermometer, he sets the temperature for how the woman reacts to him. The type of atmosphere he creates for her is important. Why did she cheat? Not condoning it but how was he acting with her? Lot of times men busy doing their thing just waiting for the woman to slip up so they could slip out.
let’s find a reason to BLAME THE MAN for why SHE cheated. Women don’t ever want to just take responsibility. It’s always somebody else fault.
I’ve been in an almost exact situation….for a minute i thought it was me. To the women saying she doesn’t deserve this, you hypocrites are the worst vampires and deserve whatever you get. I was with this woman, loved her, a girl who wanted me decided to tell her we slept together, after a while a got the 2nd girl on the phone, put her on speaker and had some mutual friends listen, eventually she confessed that she was lying and laughed at how stupid my woman was for being upset. Now here comes idiot me, ready to prove myself innocent, only to find out that “my” woman slept with someone i know out of “spite”. One of her friend revealed to her that i didnt cheat and here she comes saying sorry. I left her alone for awhile cause i was hurt, but i still missed her and the life we had, so i ended up in the same dolly house like this lady – sex, washing cooking, cleaning, i wanted to leave her, but i loved her, i couldnt do it. Until one day, i caught her on the phone telling a friend i need to just get over it and if i dont she will find another man. So i left, she tried to come back again saying she didnt mean it, but i finally learned. Men feel pain just like women, not because we dont broadcast it like you to everyone and look for sympathy. This lady mad her bed, now sleep. So what if he is using her? How many men cheat and women do that or worse as payback? This man should take what he can until it runs out, women think saying sorry and giving some sex will fix things. thats why so many of you single. To Paraphrase Macka Diamond – “Bun her, keep woman with her, take the house and car and run her”. You women thought that was a good song when it was going to you, what about now?
I can’t LIKE this enough, THIS IS 100% REAL TALK.
men cant take what they dish out. My man cheated and then said sorry it was just a fu#k, lets move on, he is right i am moving on with someone else and he doesnt even know it lol……moving on without you.honestly he think we r together, but i am nt with him. he believe everything is cool between us. Whenever he rings my phone, i would say: hi honey, love u miss u……..love f###ing what…………….. ……i am going to dump his $kunt because no man like to knw tht their woman left them for someone else even though they have cheated. Hope his ass go Crazy
5yrs and faithful and this is what i got in return……….Karma
Condoms not 100% effective but still don’t play with your life. Nature’s Little Secret got a lot of hidden secrets
Girl, that’s just nasty. Why you playing stupid child games? All of you people that condone sleeping with one that you know you don’t want to be with are immature, selfish little children. Grow up and be single for heaven sakes. Why is it more important to be in a relationship where you purposely suck the like out of someone for your own selfish reasons… revenge being one of them.
I certainly don’t condone cheating but usually people cheat for a reason. Usually that reason is that they are not happy being with the person they are married to or dating. If you want to cheat then you should be recognizing it is time to end the relationship you are currently in. Only cowards stay in unhappy and unhealthy situations because they are too selfish (and scared) to be alone and want the other person to continue to give of themselves when they aren’t willing to give in return; it’s a big con game.
I am happily single and will remain so as the men around here keep proving themselves as unfaithful and untrustworthy louts. So many times I am approached by some married man or baby daddy hitting up on me, telling me they single and when the truth comes, after some intelligent questioning, they all done with their woman and sleeping in seperate beds. It’s laughable that any woman would ever fall for it, but they do. I’ll never be in a relationship where I’m not #1 woman and the only woman. If that means being single forever because I’m surrounded by lying, cheating men, then so be it. I’d rather live a happy life than be miserable due to all the drama a man like that would bring into my life. I have pride!
LOVE IT!! THIS IS THE TRUTH!!
You is what they call a dirtyness. The kind that does make man end up on the news
Sure, let’s all bash the man when SHE”S the one that cheated. SMH. The man doesn’t trust you anymore and rightly so. If it was me, I would’nt have nothing to with your unfaithful behind, but I guess partner healing his ego and getting some revenge. Grow a backbone, stop being a coward and leave or stay and take it, but I doubt he will take you back.
Let me tell you something. If a man wants you he will go through hell and highwater to show you he’s serious about you. So stop trying to prove yourself to someone who takes your mistakes and turns them into his puppet show.
That guy is what you call a Loser
wow she cheat and he is a loser!!!!!!!
Think the poster was referring to the previous comment of a man poking fun when his girl ex-girl whaever trying to be sincere
Girl, what happen to the man you cheated with don’t you want him or he is not available? Move on it will hurt for a while but you will get over it and when you see this man the hate you will have for him you will not want to be near him or even see him again.
@ From Experience………I could not have said it any better. This is very good advice that I hope ‘Slave to Love’ takes.
Of course, you are being used. He enjoyed your sex before so why not get it now without any promise or commitment? and he getting all the other benefits free as well? Take off the blinders girl, you are being USED. Friends with benefits…what crap is that, you do not need to get so desperate, and guess what, he most likely cheated on you as well but did not confess. All men do it. So why you paying for your deed and he is not paying for his?????
You shouldn’t settle for living like this.
@ From experience, i think you did more than a wonderful job in advising this young lady. Dr. Cindy should hire you. Your advise was down to earth real life and to the point.
Find out what your short-coming is and fix it. Stop sounding so bitter. There is something for your condition, it’s not the end of your world.
Thats a situation there.
I would never go back with this woman. good for her. thats how a lot of woman on tola re, one little argument and they run to someone else’s arm and f* them. typical female sh**, then she come begging forgiveness. girl haul yu s%%#.
i wid u 100% on this here meson. Dem woman like to do shIt and think saying sorry can fix everything.
If U cheat on me we done
I agree with you, if you cheat on me we done.
But you could cheat on her though? Not fair to her either.
The comment above is meant for you! The one about your short-coming’. Sorry Impressed.
It got to be jacka$$ comment on this here. How much man out there you know does talk to their woman when they have an argument more like abandon ship.
She really asking for help? girl if you cheated thats the end of the relationship, no trust, no relationship.
Even my baby sitter could answer this woman, the man cant trust u anymore so he just stick around for sex so keep on waiting in vain
nice and professional start dr. cindy
My opinion is that your man is getting his cake and eating it too. Your cheating hurt him and his male pride, however, he doesn’t care if you hurt. How much does he car about you to talk to another woman while in bed with you? No amount of laundry or lunches dropped up makes that right in my books. Consider also that you give hime your entire paycheck when he is short on cash. Girl, you probably paying him to take the other girl out or buy her gifts.
I know you say you love him but you are focusing all your time and energy on someone who is not reciprocating that love. You deserve more. As it is your male friend is stagnating you from finding love. He on the other hand is living it up. He has a woman to tend to ALL his needs,to give him money, and who has to sit back and be silent about him “cheating” with other women. It is cheating, because even if he wants to declare you two are single and free to do as you please, you are in fact in a relationship. He knows you are in love and he knows he has you tied around his little finger. Things will likely get worse and chances are you will slowly be replaced. Therefore you need to gain some dignity and respect back. You need to be strong, put your foot down and put an end to the “friends with benefits” deal. Tell him that you love him and are truly sorry for your past cheating, but that loving him without him respecting the relationship is too hurtful. Tell him that you need time apart for him to decide if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you or not. Then my dear, be strong and fill your spare time spending time with girlfriends and doing things you enjoy. Give it a month. You can talk to him as a friend, but don’t cook, clean or sleep with him AND don’t give him your money. If he respects you and recognizes he misses you and wants to be in a committed relationship then hold him tight and NEVER cheat again. If he doesn’t come back then it is for your best because you don’t deserve to waste your time with a man who doesn’t love you. Things will get better and you will find love again.
so u cheated on your man and beg back too? How partna “cheating with other women” as u put it WHEN THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER.. what relationship? They have already established that it will be FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS relationship… so don’t go trying to mess with the program. she made her bed so let her sleep in it. if she wants to go then she can go but don’t she shouldn’t try to pressure partna into being with her because she want a relationship now. wait your minim skin, is she that cause this not him
I disagree. Friends with benefits is just that. These two have a relationship. As she said, “I cook, clean, wash. When this man doesn’t get paid, sometimes weekly I give him my WHOLE pay check so that he can be happy. I give this man sex the way he wants it. I would do everything for this man”. She then says how he does her laundry on weekends and brings lunch to her when she works. That my dear, LOL, is a relationship. This man is taking advantage of the situation and using her indiscretion as an excuse to get away with having sex with other women. He typecasts their relationship as two single people which is like the elephant saying he is a mouse. If he truly wants to be single then he should not accept her cleaning, cooking and washing after him, and he sure as heck shouldn’t be accepting her money. He is “using” her. My suggestion to her is not to pressure him into anything. It is for her to get out of this sour relationship and get on with her life. If he truly misses her he will not be able to play mind games with her and instead offer to be in a committed relationship again. Trust issues and all. If he doesn’t love her, he won’t care that she wants more, accept her refusal, and move on with his life…hopefully leaving her alone. To be honest, if he really cared for her as a friend and knows he can never trust her, or will never commit to her, then he would be best to let her go. She’s not in it for sex alone. She’s tied emotionally to the man. By not committing and taking calls from other women while in her bed he is being emotionally cruel. If he can never forgive and love her, then he should release her.
no all the things u listed are the benefits. Benefits doesn’t just have to be sex.
See that’s why women always end up hurt.. the man laid out what kind of relationship he wanted with her and she AGREED (FriendSHIP with benefits )She only agreed because SHE THOUGHT he would eventually change his mind and want to be BF and GF again. But partna aint on that movements anymore, and now she feeling stupid because as she puts it.“I doing this and that for him and he still aint want to be with just me”..
WOMEN read this and stop for a minute to process it.. U READY? Ok here goes
A real man will tell u what he wants, STOP hearing what he’s saying n then put into YOUR own words in your head
If he says.. I’m just dating and not looking for something serious” HE MEANS JUST THAT..dont go switch it up in your head to hear “I haven’t found the right woman yet but I’m looking”
IF HE WANTED TO SAY THAT HE WOULD HAVE
If the man say friends with benefits he means just that.
If u want to sign over your land to the man that’s on you. He didn’t make u do anything…u chose to
Some fellas think friends with benefits means sex must be involved. It got too many con artist out there who try to get more than their fair share then expect the female to step back when things start to evolve messing with their minds. Don’t play foolywang.
And I still say just because an elephant says he’s a mouse doesn’t make him a mouse!! In other words just because the guy says it’s a friends with benefit deal doesn’t make it that way when he is mindful of a allowing things to go on that clearly identify there is an emotional relationship in place. He can MEAN whatever he wants to so he can BEHAVE abhorably but the facts are actions speak louder than words and he is being deceiptful, a conman, and actually, a real loser to use her emotions when he has no good intentions. I say be a real man and if he can’t forgive then move on and stop sexing the woman and allowing her to continuously try for what will never be!!!!!!!!!!!How long do you continue to punish someone? If you cannot forgive, forget and go on with life then split up and move on with your lives!!!!!
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