Worrying wife uneasy about husband’s behaviour
Bella - Tuesday, August 10th, 2010 at 2:55 PM
Dear Bella: When I met my now husband our relationship was like an open book; this was under his dictatorship of course. I never demanded nor expected anything of him as I was still getting to know him. He willingly without me asking gave me the password to ALL of his accounts.
After getting married we came to a crossroad where we are having major arguments which has me now wondering what’s really going on, what did I get into and is this marriage really going to last? After getting pregnant with our first child things were going just fine, then as a holiday approached he wanted to hang out with friends. Throughout our entire relationship up to this point it has always been us; we would always hang out together with friends and families on holidays etc,. I felt a bit left out which I tried explaining to him, but which he just cannot seem to understand.I wanted to go too but being five months pregnant I couldn’t go to the event. He didn’t go, but then started saying I made him feel guilty etc.
From that one incident he started blocking me out and saying that I don’t trust him, then he started wanting to hang out more with friends and proceeded to do so, leaving me at home pregnant and alone. His outings became more and more regular; I started wondering what was going on. I started checking phone bills etc and looking through his phone because out of no where my husband completely changed on me and turned into a man that I just did not know nor recognize.
After looking through the phone bill I found something which looked suspicious to me and I questioned him but the answer to me did not add up and I told him this. Once again he said I did not trust him and he went and changed all of his passwords to every account and also put a lock on his cell phone. Then out of the blue old female friends are calling and of course I’m questioning all this and wondering what’s going on, asking what’s to hide and he’s saying nothing, except that he is a private person, to which I would reply ‘only now you’re private because before your privacy wasn’t so important to you, so now of course it looks fishy. He says I don’t trust him and he won’t play into my insecurities anymore.
It’s going on a year since things has changed and things have yet to return to normal. He’s still being very secretive and things between us have deteriorated from bad to worst. Personally I feel I have reasons to wonder and question why the sudden change, and I also have reasons to not trust him as he says, but he refuses to acknowledge that he’s screwed up in the past. He says I need to forgive and forget, which I can do, but even now I’ll come across things and still ask him, and he lies; I have proof that he lies. I don’t have any proof proof that he is cheating, but I believe that at the rate that we’re going it’s only a matter of time before it happens.
I’m wondering should I leave? Has this relationship run it’s course? Why is he changing on me? What’s really going on?
Dear worried wife,
I cannot tell you what is going on with your husband. I am confident however that he is bothered by something and you need to ask him to have a civilized talk with you rather than grilling him all the time. Also stop making yourself paranoid because if a man is cheating or wants to cheat majority of the times no amount of ranting and raving will stop him. He may be having an affair or getting to know someone.
If you truly love your husband and want him don’t sit and say things are deteriorating but attempt to bring back the love you shared initially. Let him see that you want things to work, talk about your problems before going to bed, help each other feel resolved about your problems, ask him whether he has cheated on you and don’t accuse him of doing so if you have no proof. If all else fails you’ll know that you tried your best at reviving your marriage.
Meantime, don’t hold you husband to task if he chose to hang out with his buddies; he may have well needed the leisure time away from the home. A wife doesn’t need to follow her husband everywhere he goes and if she can’t come compel him to stay home with her. Yes you were pregnant at the time; however pregnancy doesn’t always cause severe illness and at five months into pregnancy I’m sure you was not bedridden that he needed to stay home with you that day (I’m assuming because nowhere you mentioned that fact).
Also if you are still pregnant this is the wrong time for you to be stressing like this and your husband should at least be sympathetic to your feelings, and if the child has been born exhibit love and joy around the baby and not anger and frustration. You know what to do though if in fact your husband is cheating. At times the threat of a divorce is well enough to put knock some senses into a man’s head.
Bella.
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected] Dear Bella is published everyday. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor
Copyright 2013 BVI News, Alliance News Limited. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or distributed.
13 Comments
Disclaimer: BVI News and its affiliated companies are not responsible for the content of comments posted or for anything arising out of use of the comments below or other interaction among the users. We reserve the right to screen, refuse to post, remove or edit user-generated content at any time and for any or no reason in our absolute and sole discretion without prior notice, although we have no duty to do so or to monitor any public forum. All comments posted on BVINews.com reflect the views and opinions of the commentators and not that of the management and staff. Click here for our full comment/user policy/ agreement.
Marriages today are jokes….so much cheating and so going on…why would someone choose to subject themself to this type of heartache? Some people feel forced into marriage for many different reasons such as pregnancy, religious beliefs ect. Most of the times these are the marriages that fail some sooner than others. I was married once and I am now divorced. Believe you me…I am no hurry to walk that road again. Some couples should be contented with just being in a relationship and leave marriage out of it. Look around……marriages today are failing left, right and centre.
I would have hang it with my peeps too if is so erry minute you riding me riding me! Lay offa me dread
to the bellow comments, well said everybody well said
Why do people get married anyhow?
To Gwen, I can concur with what u said but the lady does not have an understanding husband like yours. Every marraige r different, i believe every human being have a dark side & at one point in our lives u will see that side. He was just showing her the side he wants her to c & accept, but that generally how men behaves, they r nice, loving, taking u out, being a prince charming at first, but by the time we drop our underwares the caring & loving ceased, I’ve been there. Men & women have the wrong concept on what marriage is. They have it as a joke & play with god.
I’m a woman & I lock my phones not from any man, I lock my phones incase it gets lost or stolen they cannot use it before I call the company to tell them turn it off. I have noting to hide & I can relate to him locking his phone in a sense bec sum women r to dam forward & wicked. They only have to c a name, text or # then they take it upon themselves to call u to curse & call u all kinds of names, they don’t have to no who u r or the relation alll they no it’s a woman & it’s frustrating & I don’t hesitate to put them in their place. I don’t trust no man period, he could love me to death, he could move heaven & earth for me good for him. I wouldn’t say that he wood not get the same treatment from me in return but no TRUST on my path. You give both men & women an inch they take a yard & still want an additional mile. Your assumptions maybe right or wrong but only u can no.
A wise woman once told me, think to yourself of the few things you simply can not put up with; all of us a have few of these. These things are particular to you, and no one has to agree with these things. Let him know clearly what these things are and that if he crosses these then your marriage is not his priority and there is no going back, because it will just result in you both being miserable. Everything else however is negotiable and forgivable and you shouldn’t nag or make a big fuss about.
Having said that I feel that if you are married to someone who drastically changes his privacy policy either 1. he is hiding something or 2. you nagged him until he felt no choice. In your heart, you know which it is. You don’t need anyone to tell you.
Girl I know how you feel I was married to my husband for 6 years. He never gave me the password for any of his stuff, neither did I ask. He use to sleep so hard it made no sense. I could go through his stuff and he would not knbow a thing. He knew that I would never go through his phone, so he would leave it thrown down anywhere. I too had trust issues too. He told me all about his past, how he cheated on his girl friends etc. Over the years we formed a connection so deep that when he cheated on me I knew it. It was a ghut feeling that I could not shake, but I never accused him. I had no proof, and his behavior never changed. Then one day he admitted to having a fling with a certain woman. Of course he lied about the time line, he made it seem like it was before me, but I wittnessed the interaction between these two when I first had my suspicions, and I instinctively knew that was the woman. My husband has always been a free spirit, and although he married me sometimes he got the urge to hang with his buddies. I let him because I needed my space too. We got devorced, but it was not because he cheated, he loved hanging with his buddies more than he did with me. I found out he never wanted to get married, but because he was scared of losing me he decided to take the plunge.
If it smells like a rat, then it is a rat. Most men/women when they start to cheat and are confronted by their spouse, they try to turn the table and make it look like the other person’s problem.
Dear Worried: Your husband did not suddely changed on you. In the beginning he just showed you a page of his life from a very big book that he wanted you to see. You are now seeing the real man he is. Your husband put you to a test when your relationship first started, You probably passed the test that is the reason he married you. You stated that you never expected anything. Do you know that there are so many people in relationships who never expects anything, never want anything,and guess what? they never have anything.They are so many people who doesn’t want anything and therefore they have nothing. (sorry for the negative) While you never expected anything from him, your husband expected you to accompany him to his social affairs. I don’t think being five months pregnant would have interferred with you showing up with your husband. some times in a relationship you have to compromise. A marriage is a partnership, it takes two people to make it work along with effort and hard work. There are times when a wife might not feel like making love, but you do any way. You must always make time for each other. A man need to bond with his friends whether they are male or female., donot try to isolate him. I;m sure he had them before you came into his life. You need to balance your relationship and stop being his spy. Men are liars by nature. Some times they will lie in order to protect you and not necessarily with the intention of hurting you. You always have to give them the benefit of the doubt. My husband has many friends male and female as well as many female cousins. Women friends call him often, if we are relaxing in bed and the phone rings he will always tell them I am relaxing with my wife. If I choose to say hello to them I will; he does not sneak off into another room and talk to them privately. When ever we go out together, he always introduces me as his wife, and treats me like a queen. He talks freely about his past, because I give him the freedom he needs, and he knows that I will not throw his past in his face. We do not alway agree on some issues but we respect each others opinion.
Stop putting your husband under a microscope, because if you start looking for stuff, you might be shocked at what you will find. No one is perfect, no not one. Becareful of the stones that you throw.
If your wedding vows were the old fashioned ones, for better or for worse, give your marriage a chance to work. REmember, you have an active role to play. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. You have to make the decision as to whether you will walk through the door and embrace your happiness, or if you will just stand there and watch everyone else walk through.
Why it always has to be you nagging and you complaining. Two to one he is cheating and you can tell his home pattern changes and she has alright to question him and the man use this nagging story just to get away to see his new girl.
If you want your man to stop lying to you…stop fussing at him when he tells the truth (not saying you do, but you might). Most men are non-confrontational when it comes to their women – we don’t like to argue with y’all. So, we will lie if we feel it will avoid an argument – even over the smallest thing.
You have to forgive your husband for what he did to you in the past. Everything he does now is magnified because he is starting at a deficit until you forgive him…so all his actions on their own might be small, but in your mind they are cumulative…and proof/support of what he did before. If you are not careful, in your heart he will become “good for nothing” and you don’t want that.
Worried Wife, I feel your frustration. I know what it is to feel the way you feel as you write that letter to Bella. It is your right as his wife to want to know what is happening with him, and why the sudden change. The idea of locking cell phones and being so secretive cause for some suspicion of course. Both of you have now created a “union” and he should be man enough to admit if he has wrong you and this union. But at the same time, you need to focus on you and the baby and your health.
Don’t give up on your marriage and husband so soon, watch his behaviour and body language. Men tend to give away themselves if they are cheating (which I hope is not the case). If it is that he has cheated, forgive him and try to work on the marriage but he needs to stop all this hiding, it only makes him look suspicious as if their is something hide. I sometimes wonder why men enter into marriage union if they know that they cannot keep to one woman. Nothing is wrong in having friends but when a man or woman is married boundaries should be drawn and not crossed. If he does not want to open up and speak logical to you. Seek God’s guidance in prayer, talk to someone you can trust to help ease the frustration. I know it can be very frustrating when a husband start to act up and shuts out his wife for no apparent reason. Something or someone has change his behaviour, as I have said dont give up on him, it is easy to want to give up and walk away but you now have a child involved. Continue to speak to him in a loving manner. Be strong and all the best!
Perhaps your worrying and questioning him has turned into constant nagging and complaining. Most people would rather run away and avoid that kind of behavior. Are you being a cop on his back everyday? You will push him further and further away if you continue to be like this. Focus on yourself and your child. Tell him you are more interested and concerned on your health and well being and your childs and that you are through feeling anxious about the gap in the relationship that has grown between you. Tell him you are there for him if he decides to talk nd treat you as his loving wife once again. But tell him you won’t sit back and be forgotten forever. The day will come when you will leave him because you and your child deserve a loving man in your lives
Post a Comment